Bumper to Bumper
by TheQueenMermaid
Summary: Callie's Valentine's Day present to Arizona sparks an interesting conversation. Entry for the callie arizona LJ community V-Day challenge in the Comedy category. Rating is for suggestiveness and language.


**Title: **Bumper to Bumper**  
****Pairing:** Callie/Arizona, plus Mark and Cristina  
**Rating:** M for sexy talk.  
**Summary:** Callie's Valentine's Day present to Arizona sparks an interesting conversation.  
**Disclaimer:** All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.  
**A/N:** I originally got the idea for this before the development of the current storyline (Cristina was still living with Callie, if that gives you any idea), so I'm conveniently ignoring it. Maybe one day I will [grudgingly] embrace it, but until that day comes, I'll be living with Arizona in a pretty pink bubble.

* * *

Stumbling sleepily out into the kitchen on February 14th, Arizona noticed a small pink box sitting on the breakfast bar. Taped to the box was the gaudiest red bow she had ever seen, and that was saying something. The box screamed Callie, and if it hadn't already been obvious, the little note slid underneath the bow – _This is just the first of many tokens of affection, Valentine. Something to sweeten up your morning. XOXO C _– cleared up any lingering uncertainty.

The second thing Arizona noticed was that Cristina was sitting on the couch nearest the kitchen, eating a bowl of cereal and regarding Arizona with an expression halfway between interest and nausea.

"It's disgusting, isn't it?" she said through a mouthful of Special K. "I told her to leave it in the bag it came in, but she didn't listen to me. Not that she ever does."

"I think it's sweet," Arizona defended. "I love waking up to a Valentine's present with Valentine's colors."

"She said you would say that," Cristina replied, rolling her eyes. "Typical."

"Come on, Yang. It's Valentine's Day! Have a little…heart." Arizona laughed at her own joke. Cristina failed to see the humor.

"If you don't open that box in the next five seconds, I'm going to stop pretending to care."

Reminded of her present, Arizona bounced as she picked up the box. "Should I wait for Callie?" she asked just before removing the bow. In her efforts to have Valentine's Day off to share with Arizona, Callie had been delegated to work overnight. She was due back a little after 10:00. A quick glance at the microwave clock confirmed that she still had fifteen minutes to go.

"She left you a note," Cristina reasoned. "Notes mean don't wait."

"Okay!" Arizona chirped, pleased with the verdict. She pulled off the bow and opened the box. Sitting inside, as if waiting for Arizona to find it, was a heart-shaped doughnut. It boasted pink frosting and sprinkles. At Arizona's enthusiastic squeal, Cristina rolled her eyes again and winced, sticking her fingers in her ears.

Really, it wasn't just the doughnut itself that so enchanted Arizona – although it was a pretty damn-good looking doughnut. It was the whole gesture, both simple and totally sweet. That Callie still remembered Arizona's love of doughnuts and had found one in the shape of a heart made Arizona's own heart swell with happiness. She must have gotten it sometime yesterday and had left it out before she left for her shift, while Arizona was asleep. The whole thing was perfectly romantic in Arizona's opinion, and no doubt perfectly disgusting in Cristina's.

Arizona was just about to bite into the treat – it was pretty, sure, but doughnuts weren't made to be looked at – when someone knocked on the door and opened it without waiting for a response.

"Callie here?" Mark asked by way of a greeting. "Blondie. Yang." He nodded at each of the women in turn as an afterthought.

"Obviously not, or she'd be attached to Blondie's hip," Cristina said. Mark considered that point.

"She's at the hospital," Arizona supplied. "She should be back in a few minutes. And do you two have to call me Blondie to my face? It's bad enough that you do it behind my back." Neither offending party made any hint of an apology, but Arizona was too giddy from Valentine's Day excitement to care much.

"Where's your woman?" Cristina asked. "Shouldn't she be clinging to your arm, throwing candy hearts into your mouth and regaling you with the history of Valentine's Day?"

"I'm impressed, Yang," Mark said, completely ignoring the jibe at Lexie. "You actually remembered it was Valentine's Day. And you said the phrase 'Valentine's Day' without gagging." Cristina narrowed her eyes, but she shoved another spoonful of cereal into her mouth to avoid coming up with a comeback. "Lexie got paged at five AM. Something about Bailey's liver." Mark was going to say something else, but he was preemptively interrupted by a delighted moan from Arizona, who had finally taken a big bite of her present. Joy of joys, the doughnut was cream-filled. The combination of cake, vanilla cream, strawberry frosting, and sprinkles exploded in her mouth, and it was all she could do not to fall over with pleasure. "Whatcha got there, Blondie?" Mark asked, grinning lecherously at Arizona. If she noticed the wicked gleam in his eye, she chose to ignore it in favor of taking another bite.

"Valentine's Day present," she said once she'd swallowed the bite in her mouth.

"_That's_ your Valentine's Day present?" Mark asked. "What, she couldn't even spring for flowers?"

"She promised it was the first of many." Arizona took a nibble from her doughnut this time, determined to savor the rest of it. Valentine's Day was quite possibly the best-tasting holiday she celebrated.

"Oh, don't you worry, there's plenty more where that came from," Callie agreed, walking through the door and hanging her coat on the hook beside her.

"Calliope!" Arizona exclaimed happily.

"Hey, Valentine," Callie said, crossing the room to her. She smirked. "You have a little frosting." She leaned in, kissing Arizona softly and running her tongue along her upper lip. The frosting – what little there had been to begin with – was gone, but Callie kept kissing her, laying tiny pecks around her mouth before landing squarely on her lips once again. "Got it," she whispered.

"Mm," Arizona murmured. "Thank you. And thank you for my present. It's delicious."

"God," Cristina moaned, effectively killing the moment. "Get a room."

"If it isn't the Valentine's Grinch," Callie said, finally acknowledging the other occupants of the room. "And…Mark. What are you doing here? Where's Lexie?"

"Bailey's liver," Cristina answered for him.

"I see," Callie said. "And that brought you here, to our apartment, on Valentine's Day…why, exactly?"

"Oh, I was just admiring your girlfriend's present." Mark nodded toward Arizona. "Kind of clever, actually, coming from you. And she's certainly enjoying it."

"Ew, Mark." Arizona wrinkled her nose. "Did you just wink at me?"

"Wait, what do you mean 'clever coming from me'?" Callie asked. "Arizona loves doughnuts. Everyone knows that."

"Oh, trust me," Mark agreed, Cheshire cat grin fully in place. "I _definitely_ know how Blondie feels about…doughnuts." He cleared his throat.

Callie nodded, still not getting whatever it was Mark was hinting at. "Okay…yeah. Right, exactly."

"Is there something I'm not getting here?" Arizona interjected. "What's so funny about doughnuts all of a sudden?"

Just as Callie started to say "You probably don't want to know," Cristina spoke.

"He's saying you're a couple of doughnut bumpers," she said, as if explaining the most obvious concept in the world.

"Exactly," Mark agreed. Callie's eyes widened as she finally started to grasp the joke.

Arizona furrowed her brow. "Wait. Doughnut…what?"

"Doughnut bumpers," Mark repeated. "You two, bumpin' doughnuts all night." He demonstrated with a grind of his hips, which caused Cristina to snort. "Hot." Cristina didn't smile exactly, but her eyes twinkled in amusement.

"Are you comparing our…happy parts…to doughnuts?" Arizona asked in bewilderment.

Cristina laughed. "Did she really just call vaginas 'happy parts'? Boy, Callie, you got a live one."

Callie groaned and sank onto the nearest stool. "Really, Mark? You already ruined poundcake."

"Come on, it makes sense!" Mark defended. "They're kind of similar!"

"Mark, I don't know how many vaginas you've actually taken the time to look at, but I assure you, mine does not in any way resemble a doughnut."

Arizona nodded in agreement. "She's right. It doesn't."

Callie turned to glare at Arizona with a mix of shock, horror, and amusement. "I don't know if that helped, Arizona."

"Look, I'm just saying it's not that big of a stretch. They're both round, they both have holes in the middle. People like to eat them. Come on, Yang, help me out."

"Sometimes they're cream-filled," Cristina supplied.

"_Cristina!_" Callie turned her glare to her roommate. "What is _wrong_ with you?" Arizona looked at the half-eaten doughnut she realized she was still holding in her hand and suddenly found that she didn't want the rest of it. Eyeing it with disgust, she lay it down on the counter and continued to glare at it as though it had betrayed her in some way. She supposed it kind of had.

"Exactly," Mark affirmed, simply carrying on. "They're sweet. They're fun. And Blondie _really_ likes them."

"You should've heard the noise she made when she bit into it earlier," Cristina added. "Sounded like sex to me."

"Cristina, are you seriously still talking?" Callie asked flatly.

"Why is _anyone_ still talking?" Arizona moaned. "Make it stop." She glanced at her pager. It figured that the one time she desperately wanted it to go off and take her away from a situation, it remained mockingly silent.

Mark laughed and rubbed his hands together. "Now _this_ is a fun Valentine's Day!"

"Best one I've had yet," Cristina agreed.

"Okay, enough!" Callie tried her best to sound authoritative, but the deep red that had taken over her face made it difficult to see her that way. "Both of you, stop traumatizing my girlfriend! Mark, go away. Cristina, _shut up_. Go find Owen and the two of you can hate Valentine's Day together." When Cristina made no motion to remove herself from the conversation, Callie added, "Don't think I won't tell Teddy about this. Trust me, we can make it so there are _no_ cool surgeries for a _very_ long time."

"You wouldn't," Cristina wavered, eyes widening just slightly.

"You wanna find out?" She had to admit she really didn't, and she got up and walked toward her room, depositing her cereal bowl on the breakfast bar next to Arizona's discarded doughnut. Cristina doubled back, grabbed the remaining half-heart, and tore off a piece.

"Not bad," she said. "Maybe I should try eating _doughnuts_ more often."

"Cristina, I swear to God…"

"I'm going, I'm going!"

Callie swiveled around to face Mark as Cristina's door closed in the background. "Are you still here? _Leave_."

"Aw, come on," he whined. "Lexie's at the hospital and it's Valentine's Day and I'm lonely and –"

"Mark," Arizona said firmly, picking her head up from where it had been hiding in her hands, "get out of here before I kick you in the cruller."

Mark held up his hands in surrender, backing away from the trajectory of Arizona's foot. "Alright, fine. I'm leaving. _Alone_." He sighed dramatically, opened the apartment door, and was halfway through before he turned around and said, "Enjoy your Valentine's Day, ladies. May many more doughnuts _come_ your way today." Arizona picked up what was left of the doughnut on the counter and hurled it at the door.

"Are you okay?" Callie asked sympathetically, locking the door as soon as Mark was on the other side of it. "I'm sorry about them."

"Mark is ruining all of my favorite foods," Arizona whined. "What's next? Pizza?"

"I'm pretty sure we've already tainted that one," Callie chuckled.

"For what it's worth," Arizona said, "that doughnut _was_ really good."

"Oh, yeah?" Callie smirked, moving closer.

"Yeah," Arizona replied. Her voice suddenly raspy, she said, "And Cristina was right. The noise I made when I tasted it…you really should've heard it."

"Mm," Callie said. "You're the only one I want to bump doughnuts with." She leaned in to kiss Arizona's neck, but Arizona moved out of the way.

"Calliope?"

"Hmm?"

"Too soon."

Callie cringed. "Sorry."

"Let's forget about doughnuts for a while, Calliope," Arizona suggested. "Want to order a pizza?"

"With you? Always."

"So," Arizona grinned, fiddling with the hem of Callie's shirt, "what else do you have planned for me today?"

"Oh, I'm not going to tell you. A magician never reveals her tricks."

"A Valentine's magician, huh?"

"You know it."

"Well, in that case, I'm going to need to do something to keep my mind off the suspense. And, you know, the trauma of the morning."

"And what exactly would you suggest?" Callie asked. "This morning was pretty traumatic. We're going to have to do a lot."

"I'll tell you what," Arizona whispered. "Why don't you order that pizza and meet me in the bedroom? We'll…work some magic."

Callie nodded. "I like that plan."

"Good." Arizona turned and began walking toward the bedroom, swinging her hips as she went. "Oh, and Calliope?"

"Hmm?"

"I've always liked your doughnuts the best."

Callie shivered as she watched Arizona flounce into the bedroom, flinging her hair over her shoulder. Eyes still on Arizona's retreating backside, Callie dialed the pizza parlor's number. It took her three tries to get it right, and when she finally placed the order, she seriously considered asking if they made a doughnut pizza.

After ordering and hanging up, Callie made her way to the bedroom. She was standing in the doorway with her shirt halfway over her head when she remembered something.

"Arizona?"

"Yes, magician?"

"Do you promise never to use the phrase 'happy parts' ever again?"


End file.
